The Good Enough Mother According To Winnicott – Being Parents

Donald Winnicott was a pediatrician and psychoanalyst who made important contributions to understanding the mother-child bond. In his postulates, he shows us how the performance of the parent influences the subsequent emotional development of the baby.

Thus, he established the concept of “good enough mother” to explain the essential minimums for the infant to reach adequate maturity.

The safety of the child will depend on these early stages of life. Depending on whether the child’s needs have been met (or not), a series of traits and pathologies will develop. However, the most powerful and remarkable aspect of Winnicott’s theory is that it is neither expected nor necessary for a mother to be perfect. Let’s see why.

The functions of the mother

The first stages of a baby’s life are characterized by an inability to differentiate themselves from their mother. The emotional bond is extremely close and the child is totally dependent on the care of his mother.

For the infant, there is no separation between him and his mother. The behavior of the latter must therefore aim to detect and meet the needs of the child.

In order for the child to develop properly, the mother must perform a function of physical support. She must feed, clean, dress and protect her baby; she has to hold him often in her arms.

With all of these actions, she shows her love for the baby through body language. By identifying and responding to his needs, by being there for him, you help him avoid distress.

Provide emotional support

But it is also essential that the mother provides emotional support. In other words, she must be ready to accept all the emotional manifestations of the child, to validate them and to render them in a more tolerable way.

The parent will not only deal with the positive feelings, smiles and games of the child; he must also be willing and available to receive high intensity negative emotions, crying, distress and impulsivity.

Thanks to the support offered by the mother, the child experiences well-being, love and understanding; he learns to feel secure. If this process has taken place correctly, the child will be able to cope with the transition of gradual separation from the mother, whereby he will establish himself as a being independent and differentiated from her.

All of these maternal behaviors are motivated by a feeling of “maternal concern” that already arises during gestation. This is a special sensitivity that allows a woman to identify with her baby, to take care of his needs and to recognize them.

The good enough mother

However, it is unrealistic to expect a mother to always act perfectly ; that she first understands every cry, gesture and discomfort of her baby, that she can always take care of him instantly. We can’t expect her to always have the necessary humor or patience to respond optimally.

It would be unrealistic, but also unnecessary. In reality, the child is able to tolerate a certain degree of frustration, and as he grows up this threshold also rises. The mother’s temporary absence, her exhaustion at specific times, or her inability to understand the child’s crying at certain times will not hurt her emotionally.

The mother doesn’t have to be perfect, just to be good enough. That is to say, she must be present and available for the child, she must respond to his requests, contain his anxieties and show him love. But, as a human being, she will fail sometimes, and that’s natural.

Harmful consequences for the baby arise when the mother does not systematically take care of and support the child. When it shows unpredictable changes in attitude that make the child unable to develop self-confidence. When, as a rule, she is physically or emotionally unavailable.

Even if this has happened, the mother who is able to see her mistakes and redeem herself will do a great job, as love and care has been shown to heal the damage and create a secure bond if they are corrected.

You don’t have to be perfect

In short, if you are a mother and feel the pressure of perfection on your shoulders, let go of it. You can make a mistake, sometimes feel exhausted and lose patience with others. It’s natural and it doesn’t matter, you are good enough.